The sad cruel thing about life is that you never know when it’s going to hit you. You can be in a car, a meeting, anywhere in time and you know it’s going to come at you fast.
Two days before Thanksgiving my father passed away. What’s an even harsher reality is that I had to watch the only man who has been in my life be buried the day of my mother’s birthday. It’s hard celebrating a joyous occasion with a mourning full loss. Losing someone you love is hard enough, but watching them in a hospital and watching them struggle to breathe is an even harder fate I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. Then losing them around the most family oriented season of the year is not a fate I wish to repeat ever in my life.
Luckily I wasn’t there to watch the passing away of my father…unfortunately I had to mourn the loss of him while final exams were the next week. Trying to balance not crying every second, your grades, your family dealing with such a great loss, and your roommates having a screaming match at each other is hard enough. But watching my mother lose her best friend/husband someone she would have been married to for 28 years this past Monday…the strength it takes for her to even get up in the morning…if I could be half the woman she is…
My father left this Earth when I was then a 20 year-old first semester junior. Now I’m a 20 year-old second semester junior. I have one year-two semester to be exact-left of college. I can’t help but feel deeply distraught that he’s never going to see me graduate, or be married, or if I have kids he’s never going to witness it. He’s not going to be around to witness me going through heartaches or my first real time job out of college. He’s missing the major milestones in my life. I feel beyond selfish because there was recently a girl who got engaged and her now fiancé got to ask her father for his blessing and although I am happy for her, I feel so robbed that I won’t ever have that. My father can never walk me down the aisle. I feel even worse because my mom lost her husband..someone who she relied on for YEARS, her literal soulmate. I feel like even though I lost my father it can’t equate to losing your husband/best friend. For that, I am truly sorry for my mom who is grieving.
Although I honestly don’t like to remember I keep telling myself how blessed I am to have known and have had my dad in my life. Other people don’t even get to know their parents and I have had twenty loving years with my dad. He was an amazing man and I hope I can find a partner as great as he was to my mom. I watched how a man is supposed to be and how you’re supposed to be treated by someone.
I remember our late night talks and us singing in the car, and us going on Ben & Jerry runs and I miss all of it. I miss surprising him when I come home for school and his face light up with joy. I miss him making me wash my car and me trying to get out of yard work. I miss him BBQing and helping him in the kitchen. I miss watching TV and him sitting down watching it with me and him saying “you watch just about anything on TV huh?” I miss our vacations and him tagging along in the car with me making me drive him everywhere. I miss hearing him in the kitchen and him blasting oldie music and watching him dance and sing along. I miss listening to “Before I Let Go” by Maze and him dancing and singing along to it. But most importantly I miss HIM. If I could get those moments back I would honestly do anything. I cherish those moments and I honestly feel like I’m being punished because I truly do love my dad and I wish he would come home. I wish there was a rewind button and you could rewind because I would relive those moments again and again.
I made this post not for attention but maybe someone out there is going through the same thing. I feel like I’m watching everyone have nice lives and I am constantly reminded that one of the only people I have had such high respect and love for is no longer with me. If anyone out there is going through the same thing, I honestly feel your pain. It’s like you’re trapped in a constant sadness that is a constant reminder. This type of feeling you can’t escape and this is the worst thing I have ever gone through.
Luckily school has kept me preoccupied. I joined a lot of clubs that helps keep me busy. Distractions work best for me so I don’t think about it. My dad wanted me to be college educated and to get my degree, and for him I am working hard and will be the best journalist and person I can be. I’m considering going to get my Masters. My shift has changed and what I really want to do is make my dad proud…although I have no idea what I want to do…I just know I’ll make him proud.
I’m alright and I’m doing better cause I know I have to get this degree for him.
Thank you my friends.